


Burn

by ithefandomtrash



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: F/M, IM A GENERAL WEE
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-05
Updated: 2016-02-05
Packaged: 2018-05-18 07:13:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5904358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ithefandomtrash/pseuds/ithefandomtrash
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I've been listening to burn on repeat for an hour and needed to write out my feelings on how Alexander and Eliza began to come back together after the Affair was brought to light.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Burn

He stayed in his office most days. His clothes slowly moving from their dresser to a cabinet in his desk, the couch messy with threadbare blankets. Eliza didn’t bother speaking to him, her heart was heavy and the idea of the conversation they needed to have filled her with rage and sorrow, Phillip-oh their sweet baby boy-he tried to help, tried getting his parents to interact, he took to taking his siblings out but Alexander only bowed his head and for once kept his mouth shut as he moved room to room.  
Eliza had burnt her letters to him, on one of those cruelfully sunny afternoons, an afternoon that when they were young would be a day where Eliza and Alexander would take Phillip and Angelica to the park, watching their toddling children play while they laid on a blanket, sharing giggles and kisses. But on that day she cried ugly sobs and threw her letters to him into the fire. Panicking and burning her fingers in an attempt to take back the memories, to keep the charred parchments that held the love she’d felt for Alexander. He’d run in hearing her shout of pain and sorrow. He had stood shocked at the sight. Eliza cradling her hand, lip caught between her teeth and tears streaking her cheek. Alexander had frozen, eyes moving from her face to the fireplace. “I-I…” And with that he had turned on his heels, leaving Eliza a crying heap on the floor. She was sure he’d retreated back to his office, he’d be reading his case plan aloud, doing anything to drown her out as he always had when she had quietly and properly begged his attention. But instead he was back by her side, hesitating to touch her, his hand gingerly took her wrist, pulling it away from her chest and stroked his thumb over her curled fingers, causing them as if by muscle memory to unfurl for him. They were quiet. Alexander applying a burn salve and bandages to her fingers. They had sat together in the deafening silence for a moment.  
He wanted to say something, anything that would comfort his wife but what was there to say? He’d destroyed their lives, he’d broken her trust and tainted their love. He had ruined it all. So there was nothing to say, Alexander for once did not have the words to redeem himself, to repair what he had broken, his silver tongue rusted. Alexander stood, making to move for the door when she spoke. “Stay.” It was a rushed out huff of breath. He had stopped in an instant, guilt hitting him like a freight train. “Eliza-”  
“Don’t say anything.” And he closed his mouth at the command. “Sit. Please.” Alexander tentatively lowered himself onto the ground. “Why?” Eliza wasn’t looking at him, instead she watched the flames fueled by her letters dance against the sooty fireplace floor. “What?”  
“Why Maria? Why not tell me? Why at all? Why when I had begged you to get away with us did you stay and chose her? Why was she enough and not I?” Eliza’s lip caught between her teeth she’d be damned if he saw her cry. Alexander ran a hand through his hair pushing oxygen he didn’t have to escape his lungs in a sigh. “I don’t know.”  
“Yes you do, you’re a smart man Alexander, I didn’t marry an idiot.” Or maybe she had. Alexander crossed his legs and ran his eyes over each line and scratch in the wood floors of their bedroom. “I am an idiot. I was a Goddamned fool for throwing it all away.” Alexander brought his head back to look at their ceiling. “I hadn’t meant to, but how many sinners actually intend it? She came here a few day’s after you’d left, James had left for a whore, she had bruises, she needed help. I was just going to walk her home, loan her some money to get by on until she could figure it out her own, told her to come to me if she needed legal help and come back, write to you and then dream of you. I got her home and-” Alexander was playing with his wedding band, still staring up at the ceiling while Eliza’s eyes burned into the side of his face. “I didn’t think, I let her kiss me, I-I let it all happen I knew it was wrong but on the same hand I was in the moment and I hated myself each time. I thought of you.”  
“Then why continue it?” Eliza swiped at the tears in her eyes and forced herself to keep looking at him. Alexander hesitated with his words, she knew how to appeal to him how to force all thought from his head but that of sin, but that placed all blame on Maria, and he deserved more than her, at least it felt as such. “Because I’m an idiot that got caught up in the sin, a prideful bastard that lied to you in each letter, each day that passed since it started. I tried burying it when I should have faced the music.” Alexander finally turned to face her, his eyes shining with tears and lip just as red from worrying as hers was. “I don’t deserve you Eliza.”  
“You’re right on that.” Eliza looked away, pulling her knees to her chest. When would the hurt stop? When would she be able to inhabit the same space as he did when would she be able to let him back in, would she ever. “Please leave Alexander.” Eliza hid her face as a new wave of tears trailed her cheeks. “I love you Elisabeth.” It was a whisper as the door shut and the floodgates opened as Eliza’s heart twisted at her full name.  
Phillip had slipped in looking nervous as the sound of her other children flooded the silent home. “Mom?” Phillip lowered himself onto the floor eyes full of worry and Eliza felt a pang of guilt for letting her son worry and know as much as he had. “What’s wrong love?” Eliza ran her palms over her eyes and prayed he didn’t see how swollen they were. “Are you and Pop’s gonna be okay?”  
“Phillip-”  
“I’m worried about you, you’d be surprised what all they don’t teach at school, they don’t teach you how to duel, how to deal with your parent’s falling apart, how to take care of five other siblings.” Eliza winced. “I’m sorry Philly.” Eliza cupped her son’s cheek and smiled. “Don’t be, just tell me what’s going on, is Pop’s leaving? Are you?” Eliza shook her head. “No, no no. I love your father to much to do that, we need time Phillip, We’re both hurt-”  
“Pop’s has no right to be hurt.” Eliza actually managed a real smile at that comment, her baby boy always so protective of his mother. “Hush, you shouldn’t speak poorly of your father no matter what he’s done. As I was saying, we both need time, He betrayed me, he’s feeling the pain of that, we’ll be okay just not right away.” Eliza finally stood, wincing at the movement, she gestured for Phllip to follow suit. “Go find your friends, you’re still young go have fun.”  
“But-”  
“no ‘but’ go, mothers orders.” Eliza shooed her son out the door before taking a quill and parchment.

My dearest, Alexander  
Perhaps I should lock my heart away, show you what it’s really like to lie in a cold bed and have an unforgiving mistress in your home. But I can’t bring myself to, despite the ruin you’ve brought to ALL of us I still love you, still yearn for you. I still want MY Alexander at the end of the day, the laid at ease man pacing our kitchen speaking with the children absentmindedly and going over cases we’ll never understand. I also yearn for the Alexander that came home every night before dinner the Alexander that wouldn’t lock himself away to work endlessly as you’ve been. Come back, please I know we have so much to face ahead but come back to bed, I don’t think my fingers can take many more burnings just for us to converse.  
still your Betsy

Eliza slipped the note onto Alexander's desk while he slept before going to check on their five other children.


End file.
